“I’m leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives.
So don’t be troubled, don’t be afraid” John 14:27
Giving birth to my twins at 28 weeks was truly my darkest hour as fear and physical pain overwhelmed my entire being.
Labour was difficult, a sad pain knowing what the outcome would possibly be. My firstborn was, Jessica, alive and beautiful, she let out a cry as the midwife laid her on my tummy in that moment I was hopeful. Time went by slowly, as she lay there safe in the arms of her mummy, but the cold reality of her being born too early was about to hit me hard, as they cut the umbilical cord Jessica passed away. Immediately she was taken away and I was being told to push for the delivery of my second born baby girl, Jasmine. She was born and her loud healthy cry put a smile on my face, a perfect baby girl lay in my arms. I held her for a short while before the paediatrician came to take her for observations and then she would be placed in an intensive care crib.
Exhausted and in shock, confused should I be grieving or rejoicing? Once I had taken a hot shower the nurse led me down the corridor to see my little baby girl. So small yet so perfect and she was mine, barely could she be seen due to all the tubes and bandages that covered her tiny body but I could reach one hand in through the side hole on the crib, I placed my finger in the palm of her hand. Never will I forget in that moment I knew I was a mother as her tiny hand gripped my finger my heart ached to hold her. The doctor’s had told me Jasmine was having difficulty breathing and was not expected to live through the night, I stayed by her side all day until she was moved to a larger hospital (without me). Later that evening she passed away. I weep heavily at the time of writing this as the pain of losing a child is something you never recover from, but my hope in the promises of God gives me a deep peace. It is this peace that I pray you will find in your darkest hour, a peace that the world cannot give, a peace that is almost tangible yet all at once incomprehensible. As teardrops fall to the keyboard I can almost hear the voice of my Saviour, Jesus Christ as He whispers ‘I am with you’. At this time of writing and re-living my past pain and sorrow, I find I have more questions than I do answers, questions which will remain unanswered until I meet Jesus face to face.
When that time comes…
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
Lyrics by Mercy Me – The Hurt and the Healer
How I long to hear Him say “it’s over now”… the pain and suffering in this world – ‘over now’.
September 24, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Congrats on the new babygirl , and glad to hear you’re both doing great 😉
September 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Hello! Thank you for liking my blog 🙂
I enjoyed reading your’s also… great work!
January 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm
Thankyou for sharing from your heart, I can only imagine what you have been through as I have never had to deal with such an ordeal…. I was interested in reading your story due to you being a sufferer from depression, as am I…. one day I believe I will be able to live without medication, but to date if I don’t take that little white pill every day I just don’t cope…..
Anyway again, thankyou for sharing, i also enjoy the way you write 🙂
January 15, 2013 at 1:19 pm
I am so so blessed by your message… the fact that my darkest days inspire you towards hope in being free from depression! God is faithful, I have been in a place where it seemed the darkness would never fade… all things are possible with the God of impossible. Much love X
January 15, 2013 at 6:04 pm
Today I have even more hope, in fact certainty that the day is drawing near…. as I shared on my blog recently, the revelation that what we have been through in the past can actually be used to glorify God if we let Him, instead of burying these things so that nobody can see them….
My husband and I are both in a refreshing time of the Lord and Galations 5:1 is a direct word to us today – and now that we have been set free we need to be careful not to become ensnared again by the ways of the world…. we are very excited about the days ahead as we know the Lord wants to use us and our only desire is to be used by Him….
Oh how I love to write, yet sometimes words just don’t express, as is such the case with what I am trying to share right now….
God bless, you and your family are now included in my prayers…
December 27, 2013 at 1:49 pm
I just can’t press ‘like’ … how can I ‘like’ a story that brings me to tears just reading it! Instead of ‘like’ they should have an ‘encouraged and blessed’ button, as that is what I feel right now … encouraged by your courage and blessed by your survival!
I can’t begin to imagine the loss of a child, and I hope it is pain I never have to walk.
Thank you for having enough of Him in you to share your story and I know, without a shadow of doubt, that this story, and your survival, will change, impact and save lives!
Thank you Lord that you take our stories and you use tragedy to save others lives. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is wasted when we walk with you!!
Praise You Jesus! 🙂