“I’m leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives.

So don’t be troubled, don’t be afraid” John 14:27

Giving birth to my twins at 28 weeks was truly my darkest hour as fear and physical pain overwhelmed my entire being.

Labour was difficult, a sad pain knowing what the outcome would possibly be. My firstborn was, Jessica, alive and beautiful, she let out a cry as the midwife laid her on my tummy in that moment I was hopeful. Time went by slowly, as she lay there safe in the arms of her mummy, but the cold reality of her being born too early was about to hit me hard, as they cut the umbilical cord Jessica passed away. Immediately she was taken away and I was being told to push for the delivery of my second born baby girl, Jasmine. She was born and her loud healthy cry put a smile on my face, a perfect baby girl lay in my arms. I held her for a short while before the paediatrician came to take her for observations and then she would be placed in an intensive care crib.

Exhausted and in shock, confused should I be grieving or rejoicing? Once I had taken a hot shower the nurse led me down the corridor to see my little baby girl. So small yet so perfect  and she was mine, barely could she be seen due to all the tubes and bandages that covered her tiny body but I could reach one hand in through the side hole on the crib, I placed my finger in the palm of her hand. Never will I forget in that moment I knew I was a mother as her tiny hand gripped my finger my heart ached to hold her. The doctor’s had told me Jasmine was having difficulty breathing and was not expected to live through the night, I stayed by her side all day until she was moved to a larger hospital (without me).  Later that evening she passed away. I weep heavily at the time of writing this as the pain of losing a child is something you never recover from, but my hope in the promises of God gives me a deep peace. It is this peace that I pray you will find in your darkest hour, a peace that the world cannot give, a peace that is almost tangible yet all at once incomprehensible.  As teardrops fall to the keyboard I can almost hear the voice of my Saviour, Jesus Christ as He whispers ‘I am with you’.  At this time of writing and re-living my past pain and sorrow, I find I have more questions than I do answers, questions which will remain unanswered until I meet Jesus face to face.

When that time comes…

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Lyrics by Mercy Me – The Hurt and the Healer

How I long to hear Him say “it’s over now”… the pain and suffering in this world – ‘over now’.